Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How am I doing?

Mourners are constantly asked, "How are you doing?" Rarely do we have an honest answer. Many of us wonder which of the five stages of grief we are in or out of. Although the grief comes and goes, the wondering is constant. Am I healing? Why at some times do I feel worse now, years after losing Bob, than the first few months. If I am enjoying life more now, why does grief whack me when I least  expect it, seeing a couple whispering, listening to a song, or smelling cardomon seeds. I want to be finished with it.

Claire Bidwell Smith, a grief therapist, suggested recently in an article in the HUFFINGTON POST, that the five stages of grief are fluid.  You might stay in one stage for years and then move through the other ones quickly. "Everyone's journey of grief is different." (May 10, 2012) Although the paths are diverse, what seems to be common is that all mourners she meets are like me. They wonder, "How am I doing?"


  1. I'm 43 yrs old. It's been 4 years for me now. And I haven't done anything. I was a stay at home mom with two children. My husband died while we were on vacation. He rolled our jeep and died instantly in front of us. I remember the darkness for the first 6 months. After that I didn't really have alot of time to grieve because I had to jump right back into being a mommy. Although the initial pain is gone...I'm still angry, having being left behind. I haven't dated, nor do I think I ever will. I slept on the couch for 7 months, couldn't listen to music, etc. Everyone kept telling me it just takes time. I HATED hearing that. How can time make this excruciating pain go away after losing my best friend, soul mate, husband, father of my children which they will never know. Well, it does. Although it's pretty much left me an empty shell. Even after all this time, I still don't know who I am. So you pick up the shattered pieces and pull up your big girl panties and trudge forward blindly. I put on a pretty good show for everyone. Smiling face. It just seems so easy for everyone to go back to their normal lives. I consider myself "damaged goods w/baggage" lol. So ya, I'm "F.I.N.E" lol For those of you who don't know what that stands for its
    "F'd up...Insecure..Neurotic & Emotional" So next time someone asks you how your doing and you say "fine" it'll be our little inside joke :)

  2. After Bob died, I was not sure who I was, what I wanted to do, or how I would manage just the simplest things in life. Couples asked me to join them and often there would be an empty seat. Everything little thing annoyed me. Yet, I returned to work and put on the smiling face. Actually, I was happy to be in the schools training teachers and kids to use technology. But there was always the ride home and the loneliness. My dog Irene, a service dog, kept me from despair. Walking her in the early hours and late hours helped me accept being alone. I never felt loneliness as a child, even after my parents got fed up with my antics. It has been six years since Bob died, and I am OK now with loneliness. The early morning hours now are my favorite part of the day. Is there a part of the day that you treasure?

  3. I also enjoy the early mornings w/a nice cup of coffee. I always stand at the same window looking out thinking about how I can make this day special. Which never works out for me lol. And about the loneliness...well, it's become my best friend. Strange, huh? It was just so easy to accept and settle into it. Maybe it's depression or maybe it's just acceptance. I've become quite the recluse anymore. After Bruce died, within a few months I got a kitten for the kids. It was the best thing to see my kids smile and laugh again. Since then, I've gotten 2 more kitties...hahaha. Yep, crazy cat lady. Seems whenever I get stuck in a downer, it's time for a new fur baby lol.

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